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WWF Royal Rumble 2001 PPV


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WWF ROYAL RUMBLE 2001

WWF ROYAL RUMBLE 2001

The intro is atmospheric as always, with images of all the announced names in the Rumble. "The Royal Rumble is the first step to ultimate glory!"

Cool looking arena. There's some big-ass monitors at the entrance way with the sleek Royal-Rumble style logo around them. Jim Ross welcomes us to the show. He and Jerry Lawler are running commentary tonight.

The bombs are dropping as we get straight to the action with a world title match.

World Tag Team Title Match: Edge & Christian (c) vs. The Dudley Boyz

Edge and Christian look totally freaked out as they march to the ring, Christian in deep yellow goggles and a cap. Footage is played of the champs destorying the Dudleys on last week's Raw and Smackdown programs.

The Dudleys start it off fast, but the champs bail from the outset. The Dudleys charge down the isle after them. D-Von beats Edge into the ring, ducks a clothesline and hits a neckbreaker for two, while Buh Buh and Edge brawl around the ring. Christian tags in, but east a hip toss and a quick elbow for another two count.

Buh Buh tags in. Double-team shoulder block on Christian. Buh Buh drops the elbow for two. A chant of "We Want Tables" breaks out. Whip in, Buh Buh just tosses Christian straight into the air. Bad landing! Irish whip, floatover, caught, Christian hits a headscissors but Buh Buh recovers with a sidewalk slam off a blind charge for another near fall.

D-Von tags back in, as does Edge. D-Von hits a powerslam for two. Whip in, reversed, Christian hits a cheap shot on D-Von from the apron. Edge takes D-Von over with a belly to back suplex. Christian tags in. This is the first time in the match the champs have had the advantage. Side Russian Legsweep by Christian, as he wails away on D-Von's head. Buh Buh does the disgruntled babyface routine, distracting the referee for some heel shenanigans in the opposite corner. Quick non-tags from the champs, but limited offense, with choking and such tomfoolery. Edge goes to the chin lock, as the sold-out crowd break into a second chant for tables.

D-Von breaks the hold, but runs straight into another neckbreaker for two. "I'll break him like a twig, Buh Buh!" boasts Edge. Not with no stinking rest holds you won't. "We Want Tables" booms the crowd yet again. The champs go for a spike piledriver on D-Von, but it's reversed into a slingshot, crotching Christian up top and dizzying Edge for a rollup. One! Two! No. Buh Buh makes the hot tag, but of course, the referee wasn't watching. The champs go for the con-chair-toe, but D-Von ducks out of the way and they hit each other's chairs.

Buh Buh makes the hot tag, and dorks are flying. Christian goes ten feet up, Edge quickly follows and eats top rope. Buh Buh Bomb on Christian, busting some real white-boy ass. Whazzzzzap? Edge's vocal chords, as D-Von hits the mark with the south diving headbutt. "D-Von... Get The Tables!"

D-Von dives outside, but Christian cuts him off. Buh Buh gets a rollup on Edge, hot move, One! Two! No! 3D is called, but Edge hits a spear on Buh Buh while Christian reverses D-Von into a DDT! Cover on Buh Buh! One! Two! NO!

Edge goes up top for D-Von's flying headbutt to the groin, but Buh Buh reverses Christian and D-Von takes Edge off the top. 3D! One! Two! Three! New champs!

Rating: 68%
Chemistry: 80%
Wrestling: 69%
Heat: 80%

Comments: Solid match, if unspectacular. It's nice to see the guys go through the match with not one brain-numbing chair shot or career-shortening table spot, but at the same time there wasn't much to get excited about, either. Very formulaic bout, but effective as an opener, and a finish which left the fans happy.

Backstage

Drew Carrey is shown coming into the arena from a Limo.

Footage from Heat is shown. Vince McMahon says that Steve Austin will be in the Rumble, and Triple-H will get a shot at the WWF title.

Hunter tells Steph that he doesn't want her and Trish Stratus at ringside to distract him from his world title match. Drew Carrey comes into the room. Hunter introduces Drew to Stephanie. "Hey, when'd you marry her?" "About... a year ago." "Sorry, I wasn't watching... working... too hard." Nice one, Drew. Drew says he wants to talk to Vince about doing a pay per view, and plugs his own PPV airing next week. Stephanie says he wants Drew to meet Trish Stratus, and offers to introduce him to her. Steph and Drew take off.

The A.P.A. agree to show each other their numbers. "Damn, that's going to be interesting!" says Bradshaw. "Let's drink" says Faarooq. I guess they're close in th e Rumble. Crash Holly jumps into the camera angle and says "I'm going to have to throw you out of the rumble!" then takes off again. "And they call us drunks! Damn!" retort the Acolytes.

Build-up footage of Benoit vs. Jericho. Sweet. They've had a lot of really good matches. Tonight has the potential to surpass all of them.

Jericho vs Benoit! I didn't know backs could bend that way!!

Ladder Match for the Intercontinental Title:
Chris Benoit (c) vs. Chris Jericho

Jericho slowly makes his way to the ring with a look of genuine focus etched on his face. Benoit follows, shooting the ladder a look of apprehension on the way in. Here they go!

Right hands, right hands, they slug back and forth. Jericho sends the champion in and hits an elbow. Lariat! Chop. Whoo! Chop. Whoo! Benoit is beaten into the corner. Irish whip, reversed, Benoit charges in but eats boot. Jericho charges out, but gets caught in the Crossface! Jericho rolls straight through and goes for the Liontamer! Benoit kicks him right in the face to counter. Just like Razor vs. Michaels in '95. (Yes, I said '95.)

The Crippler drives Jericho shoulder first into the ring post and chops his left nipple into the third row. Shoulder breaker. He tries it again, but Y2J floats over. Whip in, reversed, the challenger hits a flying forearm! Benoit falls to the apron. Jericho goes for his springboard attack, but Benoit side-steps him and tosses his man all the way to the floor!

Benoit goes for the ladder, but the challenger gives chase. Bad move! Y2J gets his shoulder smacked hard into the ring post for the second time. Benoit grabs the ladder and brings it to the ring. Jericho goes for a baseball slide on it (a la Michaels / Razor '94), but the champion scouts it, avoids the attack, and sends the challenger hurdling into the ring steps with tremendous pace. Benoit heads into the ring and starts to climb, but Jericho is back up! He catches Benoit on his shoulders and hits a fallaway straight down!

Jericho is on the offensive right now. He grabs the ladder and rams it straight into The Crippler's face. Chop. Ouch! Benoit eats turnbuckle. Jericho gears up the ladder a second time, and charges the champion, jamming him in the ribs. Benoit falls to the mat clutching his gut. Y2J sets the ladder up on top of the opposite turnbuckle and whips the champ into it, but Benoit reverses and Jericho flys to the concrete! OH MY GOD! Benoit goes for his running tope, diving through the top and middle ropes like a missile to the floor, but Jericho scouts it and JAMS him in the face with a chair in mid air! BRUTAL!

The challenger suplexes the champion gut-first on the ringside barrier. He sets the ladder up on the concrete, leaps on the apron and rides it all the way down, only nobody's home! Jericho eats barrier! The Rabid Wolverine solidifies his return of fire with a wicked chair shot, then smacks his challenger with a wicked stiff clothesline back inside the ring!

Benoit jumps down to ringside and retrieves the ladder. He sets it up in the corner, hoists Chris Jericho onto his shoulder and rams him head first into the steel. He tries it a second time, but Jericho slips out and reverses the move, then scores with a dropkick to the face on the fallen champion. Jericho waistlocks, then drives Benoit into the ladder propped in the corner, crotching him on the left beam near the top. He climbs up top the ladder and beats on him, but it falls over and both men eat mat.

Y2J recovers first and grabs the ladder, only to have it dropkicked into his face. Benoit follows up with a belly to back suplex. Jim Ross plugs Shawn Michaels for establishing the bar for ladder matches in the WWF. Jericho reverses a whip into the ladder, then see-saws it on the top rope, smashing it into The Crippler's face a second time. Jericho goes up top and throws the ladder at Benoit. Benoit catches it, but Jericho hits a missile dropkick through the ladder into Benoit's face!

Y2J sets up the ladder and begins the climb, only for Benoit to recover and belly to back suplex him off the ladder, clear over the top rope to the concrete! Holy Lord. Benoit climbs the ladder. Ross says it's over. Jericho comes back in but gets kicked in the face. Jericho fights up again, and puts on the Walls of Jericho right on top of the ladder! OH MY GOD! What an incredible visual! Benoit is literally broken in half over the top of the steel! Jericho lets go, and Benoit falls all the way down! Jericho is reaching for the belt... reaching... NO!!! Benoit recovers enough to smack the ladder, sending both it and Jericho crashing back to earth!

Jericho recovers first, and jams the champ in the face. He makes the climb, but Benoit grabs him, Jericho kicks him off, then goes for a plancha off the ladder, but The Crippler turns it straight into a Crippler Crossface on the way down! Incredible! Jericho taps! But the match can only end by attaining the Intercontinental Title Belt.

Benoit drives Jericho's shoulder into the steel for the third time in the match. Jericho fights back with a snake-eyes into the ladder. "Get up you son of a bitch!" screams the challenger, before jamming Benoit into the corner with the ladder. He sets the ladder up in the corner, with Benoit jammed into the turnbuckles. Both men fight up opposite sides of the ladder... Jericho goes for a superplex... but Benoit wipes him out! Jericho sails all the way to the mat! Benoit.. continues to climb! DIVING HEADBUTT FROM THE TOP OF THE LADDER! NOBODY'S HOME! NOBODY'S HOME!

Jericho makes the climb, with Benoit semi-conscious below, but the champion topples it over, hot-shotting Y2J right from the top of the ladder and all the way to the floor! Benoit makes the climb, rung by rung. He reaches... here's Jericho... with a chair! He smacks The Crippler a stiffer, then knocks the ladder over, sending Benoit sailing to the top rope, hitting gut first like a vile thing and falling to the floor! Jericho makes the climb... step... by step... by step... he reaches... Benoit tries to make it back into the ring! He's getting in... no, he collapses! Jericho's almost got it...

JERICHO WINS! NEW CHAMP! NEW CHAMP!

"What do you think about the WWF Intercontinental Championship matchup?!?" screams Jim Ross. "What a match!" exclaims Jerry Lawler. Yup, it sure was. What a fantastic showing, what great effort by both men.

Rating: 96%
Chemistry: 94%
Wrestling: 93%
Heat: 88%

Comments: This was everything we hoped and more. It had the psychology and art of a Shawn Michaels bout, the vile, vile highspots of a Hardys bout and the heat of a world title match. Through and through, this is move for move a strong contender for best ladder match in the history of the WWF. The pacing was perfect. The timing was great. It had classic spots and new spots. Jericho took some horrendous bumps. Chris Benoit pulled out the tope / counter spot I haven't seen since his match against Fit Finlay as an opener for a WCW pay per view (Slamboree?) two years ago. What about the dive from the top of the ladder? Shawn Michaels, for all intents and purposes, missed the same dive at Summerslam five and a half years ago. The comparison between Benoit and Michaels is well earned. And I'm never going to forget the Walls Of Jericho atop the ladder. Stunning visual. This was a great, brutally violent confrontation.

Did it set the bar as much higher as Michaels and Razor did in '94? No, that's pretty much impossible. But it lived up to every expectation in every sense of the word. I don't give out high ratings for matches lightly. One match in a hundred will get over 90%. That's how good this match was, and how good these guys are. Fantastic bout. Given the history behind the ladder, it was a hell of a job to break out of the shadow, but at the Royal Rumble, Benoit and Jericho made the ladder match their own.

Backstage

Trish Stratus tells Drew Carey that she's involved when he tries to hit on her. Vince McMahon comes into the room. He looks pretty pissed. "So how good is your show going to be?" he asks. "I was hoping for some advice" says Carey. "Yeah... yeah" says Vince, reluctantly. "Why don't you do some improv for us tonight?" asks Vince. "Why not wrestle in the Royal Rumble tonight?" "Uh, I don't want to get hurt in there" says Carey. "Naaaaah!" says Vince. "It's all fun." Trish says how impressed she'd be, so Carey decides to go for it.
Greg Valentine... Honky Tonk Man... Drew Carey...

Billy G. tells Chyna not to wrestle tonight, because the doctors (and reviewers) are telling her not to. "After tonight, the Right To Censor will have the right to take Ivory to a medical facility!" says Chyna. Heh. Good line.

Chris Jericho gives a quick interview to Michael Cole. He gets a big pop. "How do I feel? Chris Benoit is one of the toughest bastards I've ever faced, but I am finally the IC champion for the third time tonight. Tonight, I proved you wrong, Crippler!"

Women's Title Match:
Ivory (c) vs. Chyna

Chyna tosses Ivory all around the ring by the hair, snap-mares her off the top and beats her down in the corner. She then puts Ivory up top and smacks her to the floor. In fairness, Ivory is really bumping around here.

Into the crowd they go, as a chant of "Chyna" erupts. The 9th Wonder Of The World presses Ivory above her head, strolls back to the barrier, and tosses her back to ringside. Back in the ring, Chyna dumps Ivory in a sloppy slam, then smacks Steven Richards around and throws him to the floor just for good measure. Chyna hits a weak handspring elbow, then collapses. Speaking of Shawn Michaels analogies...

EMTs hit the ring, as does Jerry Lawler and Billy Gunn. Jerry holds her hand. The crowd goes silent. Jim Ross speaks in somber tones and explains the whiplash effect of the last revolution of the handspring elbow which, upon replay, appears to be negligible. The fans clap as she's taken away from ringside. Jerry returns to ringside commentary.

Comments: For an angle it was fairly effective, but the speed with which Chyna returned to the ring after being injured sort of took away from the whole thing. The match itself, while it lasted, was much better than I expected; Chyna basically threw Ivory around the place for two minutes. It still ain't worth a rating, but the whole affair doesn't bug me too much. A twenty-minute match; now THAT would have bugged me.

Backstage

Stephanie runs into Trish backstage. "If you get involved in Hunter's world title match, I won't have a problem (kicking the crap out of you)." "Why would I worry about your affairs?" asks Trish. "I have my own to worry about!"

Drew Carey runs into Kane. "I wonder who the goofy guy in the mask is?" he asks. Kane just growls at him.

Vince McMahon interrupts D-Lo and Chaz who are trying to decide who is wrestling in the Rumble, because it's either/or. Vince says it's now going to be neither. "Not again!" exclaims D-Lo. "Who are you replacing my guys with?" asks Tiger Ali. "Drew Carey" responds Vince. "Who is Drew Curry?" asks Ali. Hardy har har.

Triple-H is shown psyching himself up before the world title match tonight. He's got some acne on his neck. Excellent, the world title match is next. The Rumble will be last.

HHH worked on Angle's knee quite a bit.

WWF World Title Match:
Kurt Angle (c) w/Trish Stratus vs. Triple-H w/Stephanie McMahon

Hunter gets a good pop. No heel deserves to look this cool. Shame his new music sucks, though.

They lock up. Hunter takes an arm bar. Angle flips through and kips up, then takes the challenger over with a fireman's carry. Hunter springs back up to his feet and forces the champ into the corner. No clean break. Hunter hits a shoulder tackle. Drop down, hip toss by Angle, who clotheslines Hunter to the floor. There's not a whole lot of heat for this match because people don't know who to cheer for; they're going for Hunter, apparently, as a chant of "Angle Sucks" breaks out. The bout seems to be geared towards Hunter being the heel, though.

Hunter returns to the ring and beats Angle down. Angle whips Hunter into the corner and hits a back body drop. Arm bar into a shoulder jam. Hunter counters with a knee and tries a belly to back suplex, but Angle slips out and hits two vertical suplexes in a row. A third! One! Two! No. Hunter bails to the outside again. Angle follows, only to get hammered back and forth between the aisle barriers and hot-shotted on the barricade. The challenger continues in control by ramming the champion into the ringside steps.

Back inside, Angle fights back with a series of right hands, but runs right into a drop toe hold. Hunter rips at the knee. "I remember Buddy Rodgers using that..." says Jim Ross. "Enough of that 50's crap!" interrupts Lawler. Hunter goes for the Dragon Screw, but Angle reverses with an enzugiri. Hunter goes to the hurt leg to fight right back, but Angle reverses an Irish whip, sending Hunter into the corner to take the Shawn Michaels bump to the floor. Damn, why does HBK keep coming up tonight?

Hunter goes to wrap the champ's leg around the ring post, but Angle kicks him off and follows outside, ramming his challenger into the ring steps. Back inside, Angle misses a clotehsline, hitting the corner. Hunter tries to post the leg a second time, and succeeds this time around. Stephanie distracts the referee, giving Hunter the opportunity to smack the champion's left knee with a steel chair.

Triple-H continues focusing on the left knee by introducing it vigorously to the ring steps. Back inside, he scores with a chop-block. A second one. Hunter casually works the leg over in the ropes. Owen Hart Indian Deathlock special next (watch Wrestlemania Ten for that one). Angle fights back with right hands to break it. Ross plugs Angle's effort. Whip in, reversed, Hunter hits a facebuster for two. The entire match is designed around Angle being the babyface, which is causing a severe lack of heat. I guess Angle simply out-heels Hunter.

Triple-H goes through some more knee-jams and locks in the figure four. Angle sells it like death, God bless him, even though the execution doesn't look so good. Angle falls on to his shoulders and gets counted down for two. Trish Stratus reaches into the ring to try and break the hold, but Stephanie is having none of it. Cat fight! Steph throws Trish on top of the broadcaster's table and chokes her out! They roll onto the floor! Here comes Vince McMahon. He separates them as best he can, but the fight continues! He finally rips Steph off Trish, then Trish off Steph. He hoists Trish into the air and carries her away from ringside, but Steph catches up and knocks them over, continuing the assault on Trish! Vince breaks it up once again and tries to drag Trish backstage, but Steph catches up again. They disappear backstage.

Back in the ring, Hunter goes for another Figure Four, but Angle turns it into an inside cradle for a hot two and a half. Hunter jumps back on the leg like a tiger on wounded prey, but Angle kicks him off. Hunter regains control, but gets caught in a DDT for two as Angle's comeback starts to build. The Olympic Champion beats Hunter into the corner, hits an inverted atomic drop and a German suplex for two. A Side Russian Legsweep, which Angle sells his knee on. Nice job, Kurt. He goes up for a moonsault, but Hunter crotches him and hits the Razor's Edge! One! Two! No. One! Two! No. One! Two! No. The fans are getting back in it. Woha, Jim Ross CALLS it the Razor's Edge.

Hunter goes for the Pedigree, but Angle counters. Hunter kicks him off, Angle hits the corner hard and collapses, headbutting the challenger in the groin in the process. He goes back up for a second moonsault attempt! FLY, KURT, FLY! Angle hits it nicely, but his knee is too hurt to make a cover! Great psychology. That's the first time I believe Angle has hit the moonsault (HIT it, not performed it) since breaking Hardcore Holly's arm six months ago.

The fight goes to the floor as the referee is bumped. Angle eats ringpost. Back inside, Hunter goes up top, but Angle flies at him like a bat out of hell and hits an arm drag. Remember at Wrestlemania IX when Shawn Michaels... oh, nevermind. The referee is still out at ringside, so there's nobody to count. The wrestlers head outside to the ref, but he gets bumped a second time as Angle eats steel steps. Hunter grabs the WWF title belt from ringside, but Angle blocks a shot and hits a sweet belly to belly suplex. Angle grabs the WWF title belt, but Hunter blocks the shot this time and hits the Pedigree. The ref is still out. Jesus, here comes Steve Austin!

Stone Cold smacks Hunter all around ringside and into the ring, where he dishes out a major belt shot. Austin revives the referee while Hunter does a blade job. The referee isn't quite back in action yet, so Austin hits the Stunner for good measure before taking off. Angle crawls over to Hunter with the cover. The ref is half in it. One. Two. Three. It's over.

Rating: 73%
Chemistry: 78%
Wrestling: 74%
Heat: 45%

Comments: Too much extra-curricular stuff for such a low-key, psychology-driven match with few big bumps. The blatant screw-job finish left a bad taste in my mouth. You don't need to throw away the result of a major pay per view world title match to build Hunter vs. Austin. It was a cheap way to end the bout.

Outside of those criticisms, which knocked the match rating down a good 10%, the match was good, but unspectacular. It was hard to get into because the fans were against Kurt but not with Hunter, either. The match went through the motions of Kurt as babyface in peril and Hunter going after the leg in standard fashion. When the catfight ended the tempo kicked up a bit, with a few nice exchanges and suplexes, but then we went straight to the drawn out series of ref bumps and a blatant screwy finish. Disappointing match.

Backstage

The Rock gives an interview backstage. Rock questions whether Kane and The Undertaker are back on the same page again, but says it... doesn't matter. Yeah, yeah. He teases he and Steve Austin being the last two guys in the match.

Royal Rumble 2001

WWF ROYAL RUMBLE 2001

Man, this dude is going to be a bummer to rate. At least we know one guy who won't win; Drew Carey winning the Rumble would be like Vince McMahon doing it... er, I mean like Vince McMahon winning the World... oh, nevermind.

The Fink gives the introduction to the match. The intervals are two minutes this year. Nice one. Elimination is over the top rope.

Number one is... Jeff Hardy! That means number two in this *cough* random draw will be either Matt or a member of a team he's feuding with like the RT... here comes Bull Buchanan. Jim Ross plugs

Jeff gets tossed to the apron early on but comes back in and hits a nice headscissors. Bull hits a stiff lariat, then tries to press Jeff over the top rope. Hardy escapes and fights back with lefts and rights. He goes for an elimination in his own right but nothing doing. The only thing I don't understand is how Jeff can take ten sick bumps to the floor tonight if he's going to get eliminated after the first one.

10... 9... 8... 7... 6... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1...

Here's Matt. Damn, some of this stuff is so contrived. Poetry In Motion on Bull, who gets eliminated right after. The Hardys square off. Jeff takes a waistlock but Matt escapes and tries for an elimination. Jeff escapes, but gets suplexed. Matt gets tossed over the top but hangs on, sliding back in under the middle rope.

10... 9... 8... 7... 6... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1...

Faarooq hits next. The Hardys go for Poetry In Motion but Faarooq counters it. He tosses Jeff, who hangs on on the apron, then gets hit with Matt's Twist Of Fate. Swanton Bomb from Jeff, and Faarooq is out. Matt tries to toss Jeff, which causes Jeff to take off his shirt in retaliation.

10... 9... 8... 7... 6... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1...

DREW F'N CAREY comes out next. It's down to the Hardys and Drew Carey. Matt takes out Jeff with a legdrop as Drew strolls to ringside. The Hardys do their thing in the ring. Jeff flubs a dropkick. Matt winds up on the apron. Both Hardys end up fighting on the apron. Drew enters the ring and looks at what's happening. The Hardys eliminate each other and fall to the floor, as Drew celebrates to a pop like a jackass. This dude is screwed.

10... 9... 8... 7... 6... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1...

KANE. It's contrived, but funny in places. Drew looks like he's going to crap himself, but he's laughing all the while. He calls for referees. Kane stalks around the ring. Jim Ross calls Carey a "porkchop." Kane sets the posts on fire just to make Drew piss. Drew offers a handshake... then he offers money. Kane grabs Carey by the throat and goes for the chokeslam, but we're down to...

10... 9... 8... 7... 6... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1...

RAVEN hits the ring with a hockey stick to break up the chokeslam. Carey pulls a runner over the top rope. Kane smacks Raven around. Raven dives to the floor and gets a fire extinguisher. Al Snow runs down – it's not his number yet – and attacks Raven.

10... 9... 8... 7... 6... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1...

That was Snow's number. Man, this is more contrived than ever. Snow grabs a huge amount of crap from under the ring – much of which is literally garbage - and tosses it into the ring. Raven takes the 7 – 10 split as Snow spikes a bowling ball into his crotch. Kane drills Snow with a big boot. Raven and Snow work together to take out Kane with some garbage can shots.

10... 9... 8... 7... 6... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1...

SATURN... Holy Cow does Terri look... ouch. Saturn goes right to work by dragging Kane's legs out to the floor and smacking them around. He hits a slingshot splash into the ring. Kane fights back but Raven jumps on him. Kane tosses Raven, but not out. Kane presses Saturn. Raven jumps on Kane again, who is finally taken down thanks to Snow and Saturn pounding on his ribs and knees. The action has become far more interesting thanks to the inclusion of Saturn.

10... 9... 8... 7... 6... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1...

STEVE BLACKMAN comes in next. He whips out the sticks from the getgo and beats Al Snow silly before hitting his suplex finisher on Saturn. Kane is also still in there. Raven tries to dump Snow. There ain't much happening right now.

10... 9... 8... 7... 6... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1...

GRANDMASTA SEXAY hits the ring next, asserting his originality with a series of trashcan lid shots. Sexay tries to eliminate Snow, but no dice, Chicago. It feels like the ring is filling up with mid-carders doing little as a setup for Test or somebody to knock 'em all out. Kane grabs a garbage can and takes out everybody, eliminating Sexay in the process. Blackman gets tossed but hangs on, only to be smacked with a garbage can to be eliminated. Raven and Snow get dumped. Saturn gets dumped. It's all Kane now. Huh, I figured they'd pick someone new to push.

10... 9... 8... 7... 6... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1...

THE HONKY TONK MAN. "You just stand out of the way, big fellah" he tells Kane, the only other guy left in the match. "I know you want to hear me sing my song, and I never let my fans down, so hit it!" Honky goes through the first verse before Kane grabs his guitar and smashes him to a huge pop. There goes Honky. We're down to two mystery men at this point.

10... 9... 8... 7... 6... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1...

THE ROCK is number thirteen. He hits the ring and lays the smack down with right hands and a giant clothesline. He tries to toss Kane, but gets hammered with a lariat. Another one. Rock fights back, but eats boot.

10... 9... 8... 7... 6... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1...

THE GOODFATHER is number fourteen. Rock hammers him from the second he gets in and eliminates him immediately. Thanks man. Kane hits Rock with a big vertical suplex. Rock ducks a lariat and hits some rights. Whip in, reversed, Kane hits a side suplex. 10... 9... 8... 7... 6... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1...

TAZZ is number fifteen. Rats, he's toast. Kane chokes him into the ring, then tosses him back out for the elimination. Yup, toast. Kane heaves Rock onto the top rope. Rock escapes and tries to get Kane. Massive crowd heat for this. Kane escapes, but Rock hits a Samoan drop.

10... 9... 8... 7... 6... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1...

BRADSHAW is number sixteen. He beats Kane against the ropes. He and Rock team up on Kane, only for Bradshaw to turn on Rock with the clothesline from hell. Bradshaw goes back and forth, trying to keep both men grounded. Whip in, reversed, Rock hits a spinebuster but Kane takes Rock out with a lariat.

10... 9... 8... 7... 6... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1...

TEST is number seventeen. He goes right to work on Kane and The Rock. Bradshaw and Kane beat him down and hit a double clothesline. Kane immediately turns on Bradshaw, hitting him with a clothesline. Kane pairs off with Rock, Albert tries to eliminate Bradshaw. Rock is on the ropes... Bradshaw almost goes, but hangs on. He recovers and goes right back after Albert.

10... 9... 8... 7... 6... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1...

HARDCORE HOLLY is eighteen. Non-pop here. We're down to Hardcore, Rock, Kane, Alberta and Bradshaw. Holly and Bradshaw go after The Rock. They get him over the top, but not out of the match. Kane eats a boot from Albert, then a big scissors kick. Rock almost eliminates Kane, but leaves off the pressure when Kane gets in trouble.

10... 9... 8... 7... 6... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1...

K-Kwik next. He immediately gets beaten down by Albert. Bradshaw almost gets eliminated. Rock goes after K-Kwik... but Kwik avoids elimination.

10... 9... 8... 7... 6... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1...

VAL VENIS is twenty. Kane plants him. Kane has been in the match thirty minutes. I don't get the big push here. He's been a superstar for three years. We have Val Venis, Kane, Bradshaw, Kwik, Hardcore, Rock and Albert. There really isn't anything happening right now.

Ten wrestlers to go. One is Rikishi, who gets number 30.

10... 9... 8... 7... 6... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1...

WILLIAM REGAL is twenty-one. He takes out Kwik and beats Bradshaw into the corner. Val Venis tries to eliminate Rock, which gets a huge pop even though nobody can really believe it would happen.

10... 9... 8... 7... 6... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1...

TEST comes in. Regal gets tossed. Rock gets tossed to the apron, but makes his way back in.

10... 9... 8... 7... 6... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1...

THE BIG SHOW comes for number twenty-three. Seven guys to go; one is mystery, one is Rikishi for thirty. Show gets a huge pop. He eliminates Test, and presses Kwik to the outside. Albert takes a chokeslam. Bradshaw takes a chokeslam. Holly takes a chokeslam. Kane takes a chokeslam! Rock... kicks Show in the nuts! Shakes of last year's Royal Rumble. Rock eliminates Show. Show freaks out on the outside and starts ripping apart the announce table. He don't look all that much smaller to me, to be honest, after his time in Ohio.

10... 9... 8... 7... 6... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1...

CRASH HOLLY is twenty-four. Show drags Rock to the outside and chokeslams him through a broadcast table. Show looks pissed. Back in the ring, Val, Bradshaw and Albert are restraining Kane so the Hollys can beat on him.

10... 9... 8... 7... 6... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1...

THE UNDERTAKER is twenty-five. Big pop. He rides to the ring on a motorcycle. Undertaker goes right to work on everybody except Kane, saving his big red ass. Undertaker signals to Kane, and they clean house of all six guys who were in the ring with them. Kane and Taker stare each other down. Remember, The Rock is still in this thing.

10... 9... 8... 7... 6... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1...

SCOTTY 2 HOTTY slowly walks to the ring with a look of utter terror on his face as Kane and Taker stare him down. Scotty gets his ass beaten mercilessly. Double chokeslam. There goes Hotty. 10... 9... 8... 7... 6... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1...

STEVE AUSTIN is twenty-seven. The crowd freaks it. Hunter blindsides Austin on the way to the ring. Austin gets beaten all the way down the isle. The Rock recovers enough to get back in the ring, taking on Undertaker and Kane. Hunter and Austin continue to brawl at the main entranceway. Austin does a blade job.

10... 9... 8... 7... 6... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1...

THE ONE, THE ONE, THE ONE BILLY GUNN comes out twenty-eight. Two guys left. One, I believe, is mystery. This one should be good, or really disappointing. Kane works on Gunn as Rock takes it to The Undertaker in the ring. Taker fights back with a big swinging DDT. It's these four guys and Austin, who is still in the isle.

10... 9... 8... 7... 6... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1...

Son of a bitch. It's HAKU, a.k.a. MENG, a.k.a. the no-selling, mid-40s hardcore champion of WCW, in full afro, accompanied by the Headshrinkers music. He ain't making any friends in WCW tonight. Kane and Undertaker beat his ass around.

10... 9... 8... 7... 6... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1...

Rikishi tries to capitalize on Austin in the isle, but Stone Cold goes nuts, beating his fat ass, then leaping into the ring and beating on the guys in there. Austin eliminates Haku. There goes that. It's Taker, Kane, Rikishi, Austin, Rock. Kane has been in the ring 50 minutes. Rikishi eats a chokeslam. Taker tosses The Rock, but he hangs on and stays in the match. Rikishi superkicks The Undertaker... he's eliminated!

Five Guys left. Rock whips Rikishi into the corner. It's reversed, and the big man hits a splash in the corner. Rikishi goes up for the Banzai drop, but Rock crotches and eliminates him. We're down to four. Austin and Gunn go through a series of reversals. Gunn hits the famouser, but gets eliminated anyhow.

It's down to Rock, Kane and Austin, who's bleeding like a pig. Rock and Austin stare each other down to a huge pop as Kane is KO'd in the corner. Austin beats Rock into the corner. Rock fights back, Austin bumps for a big right hand. Rock sizes him up... Rock Bottom! No, reversed! STUNNER! Rock sells like an electrocuted breakdancing gerbil for the stunner. Kane gets back up and fights Austin. Thez press on Kane! Rock recovers... Rock Bottom on Austin! Rock and Kane go at it. Kane gets tossed, but under the top rope, so he's still in it.

Rock and Austin go at it again. Austin gets the advantage and goes for the elimination. Rock breaks it up. Rock goes for the elimination... here comes Kane... Rock gets eliminated! Austin hangs on! Austin and Kane! Austin charges... but runs straight into the chokeslam. Kane goes to eliminate Austin, but eats a low blow. Kane grabs a chair from ringside and brings it in. Austin blocks it. Kane goes for the tombstone, Austin counters and hits the stunner!

Austin grabs the chair. Kane gets up... and gets smashed! Again! Again! Lariat! Steve Austin wins it!

Stone Cold celebrates with some beers as Jim Ross screams about him going to Wrestlemania. Fade to black.

Rating: 50%
Chemistry: n/a%
Wrestling: n/a%
Heat: n/a%

Comments: Well, here's your most talked about four mystery guys; comedian Drew Carey, retired wrestler The Honky Tonk Man, The Big Show, who really didn't look any smaller than the last time we saw him, and Meng / Haku – a mild surprise, but a weird choice for 29 and a disappointing last mystery person.

The Rumble itself isn't really about psychology, well, not all senses of it, but about drama, tons of close calls and entertaining moments. This Rumble really didn't have many of those. The only times guys got eliminated was in clumps of five or ten guys, and most spent the rest of the time making visibly meek attempts to push each other towards the ropes or do anything else interesting. Back in '92, Ric Flair looked like he was done for with every new guy in the ring. Same with Shawn Michaels in '95. We didn't get that sense out of anybody this year, much less the main event names, who all floated unanimously to the top. As well as there being a lack of exciting moments or dramatic near-eliminations, there was a real lack of surprises.

I think one of the main problems with this year's Rumble is that nobody really believes that the winner is going to Wrestlemania anymore. When it came down to Kane and Austin, I found myself pretty indifferent, because even though Kane would never main event a Wrestlemania, he could easily win the Rumble, then lose his spot before the big show. That, as much as anything else, hurt this year's edition. And why was the giant Diesel-push, as it's been known since '94, given to Kane this year? He already has credibility as a main event star. Him lasting an hour didn't mean anything. He dominated the whole time anyway, and never once looked like he might be eliminated.

At the end of the day, this year's Rumble wasn't bad. But with to few twists and far too much brawling, combined with lowered expectations of the winner's right to go to Wrestlemania, it just didn't have that "edge" which once made it the most anticipated match of the year all those years ago.

The Bottom Line

Thumbs Down: After a promising start, this year's Rumble sadly fizzled.
The tag title match to kick off the show set a good pace for the event, while the Intercontinental Title Match smoked up the ring in a strong match of the year contender. Based on that alone, I would have liked to go a thumbs in the middle at least.

However, the world title match was a major letdown; Hunter and Kurt did a decent job with it, particularly in the closing sequence, but the lack of crowd heat and frustratingly blatant and non-conclusive screw-job finish really cast it in a bad light. It looked better on paper. Then the Royal Rumble; yes, it had thirty guys wrestling. Twenty of them did absolutely nothing, should I say, were booked to do absolutely nothing. It brawled down to a brawl between the main-eventers a la Armageddon, a brawl we've seen in the aforementioned match, in four ways, three ways and one on one matches way too many times in the last couple of years to be interesting. Rehashing Rock vs. Big Show and Undertaker with / against / with / against Kane just brought up bad memories.

At the end of the day, nothing on this show made me look forward to Raw, nor did any one moment outside the IC Title match make me feel that my thirty bucks were well spent. Everyone worked hard, but sadly, this show just didn't hit on all – if any – cylinders.

The Texas Rattle Snake won the Royal Rumble 2001 and is goin' to Wrestlemania!!!

Kane came in 6th and survived to become one of the final 2 with the Texas Rattlesnake!

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